Letters from Tribe - Attachment & Codependency.

There’s nothing ‘woke’ about patronising your own impulse and that of others for the security of affection and connection.

The worst tenets of new age spiritualism seem to demand an unconditional love in our intimate relationships and with the world, that simultaneously rue attachment. The mission of enlightenment is to transcend the fear impulse of crude attachments in a gesture to a solid sense of self that derives nourishment from ‘source’ as the place of abundant and constant love that we are all in this moment just a fleshy fractal of. Human community is the great discombobulated whole and the human drama a sideshow. The every day work is about seeing beyond the trick of the ego, to drop into this great pool of love and potential which is the infinite truth of reality. If you detect a sardonic tone, you’re on point. For clarification I write from an invested position but also cynically, which is my version of a healthy spirituality.

In practice, this can be simple, beautiful but also complex. The stuff of the body is a living memory of everything that has gone before. Some of us carry attachment wounds from messy, disorganised or affected parenting, not to mention the cellular echoes of our ancestors, where unresolved trauma may subtly animate us in ways not conducive to harmonious connection and relationships. That isn’t to say that from this place feeling into love as a founding principle of reality is denied to us – it can be as easy as being totally present with the breath, using it as a portal to the heart as the point of connection to everything we deserve. But it is to say that this connection can be frustrated through the layers of complex defences and armors created as protections at a perceived scarcity of love, installed through our testing of and dialogue with the environment in early development and throughout life – where the feedback seemed to only confirm that love was illusive and pain and invalidation are the more consistent themes. Sometimes, we need a little help to ‘get there’ and stay there – but in a grounded way. One that honours the human experience rather than derides and devalues it in the name of enlightenment to create more unnecessary shame. There’s nothing ‘woke’ about patronising your own impulse and that of others for the security of affection and connection.

Ultimately, the work is about managing the excessive and damaging codependent behaviours and anxieties that have been produced through the triggers of a perceived scarcity – this is big work beyond the resources available to just one individual, and a precarious and even destructive burden for a relationship between two people.

A few days ago in the heart of community I heard the brave remark of ‘But, I want to be codependent…. I am codependent’. A kind of fuck you to the widely accepted pathologisation of codependency and an ironic honouring of the human desire to be needed by others and to need someone else and others. A base human need for the emotional feedback that communicates belonging – that gives shape to our individual experience and identity, temporarily cut adrift from source and simultaneously societally cut adrift from Tribe; manufactured to become the necessarily reduced and small servicing units of our ecocidal economy.

Ultimately, the work is about managing the excessive and damaging codependent behaviours and anxieties that have been produced through the triggers of a perceived scarcity – this is big work beyond the resources available to just one individual, and a precarious and even destructive burden for a relationship between two people. However there may be safety in numbers – solidarity, understanding and multiple opportunities for love and positive feedback may be available as part of conscious community, that qualify and perform the necessary framework and coordinates which replicate as much as possible that which has been lost or denied. Many people coming together in an intentional community of the heart may serve as a reminder in this reality of the deeper reality of the love principle that escapes our consistent recognition and embodiment through the original stress of climbing from the pool of consciousness into flesh and the drama of love scarcity perpetuated by an affected human community en masse.

‘I am codependent’ is the protest of unashamedly wearing our codependency with pride. A way of recognising our necessary codependence as a human condition for belonging and from that to build strong and harmonious tribal constellations where we can find place, function and healing. From that place communities and systems of sensitivity, symbiosis and resilience can arise, where love for each other also translates to a love for home and the land.

‘I am codependent’ is the protest of unashamedly wearing our codependency with pride. A way of recognising our necessary codependence as a human condition for belonging and from that to build strong and harmonious tribal constellations where we can find place, function and healing. From that place communities and systems of sensitivity, symbiosis and resilience can arise, where love for each other also translates to a love for home and the land. The ultimate ecological politic. For us to venture out on our own to contribute, create, explore and yes, love – requires a basic sense of love that is accessible and knowable as a natural and social fact – a way of life. Intentional community committed to authenticity, process, communication and commitment to a counter culture of shared living from the heart may provide exactly that incubator.

As individuals perhaps this may inform our healing trajectory around excess attachment and codependency. Participation in tribe is where we create the possibilities for trust and a familial love as a basis for healing and personal growth, finding our strength in numbers around a shared ethos of the heart – and from that place of security, perhaps to go on to foster and co-create profound connections with others from a place of strength and resourcefulness.